Update: Fkme gently with a chainsaw. We really can’t win on the road anymore apparently. Just as disturbing is the fact that I’ve tried voodoo dolls and hypnotism and nothing slows Lebron James down. Nothing. Blah.

Dear my beloved Celtics,

• Please win tonight so people can shut up about you not winning road games.
• Please win so I can proudly sport my spiffy Boston Celtics adidas jacket around town tomorrow with pride.
• Please win so you can get some rest before you have to play the Deeetroit Pistons — they’re good in case you didn’t know.
• Please don’t turn the ball over like the Orlando Magic.
• Please don’t dribble the clock out and then chuck a jumper — I’m looking at you Sam.
• Please remember that Lebron’s mom is ready to fk you up. Stay alert.

Dear Cleveland Cavs,

• Delonte, please remember that not that long ago, you were wasting away in Seattle. You got to the playoffs as a starting point guard for a Lebron James team. That should be good enough for now. Don’t be greedy. ( I still love you though, *air kiss*)
• Lebron, don’t you have some commercials to shoot? A vacation to take? Stare into this spinning wheel… you are getting very very sleeeeepy.
• Wally, you really do look like a cross between Derek Zoolander and a member of the Backstreet Boys.
• Z and Andy, please trade hairstyles just for my amusement.
• Boobie, get well soon. Well, not too soon.

That’s all I got.

GO CELTICS!

Love,
me