“Give the ball to Paul Pierce and get the hell out of the way…” –KG
“That was the ghost of Red Auerbach guiding that ball in…” –Paul Pierce

Tomorrow is D-Day for the boys from Boston. I have come up with one final idea to stop Lebron James…

Duct Tape! Duct tape his legs together and his arms behind his back and maybe, just maybe… we can win game 7 and move on to the Pistons. If we manage that, I will sit in a circle of shamrocks and sing major kumbayas to the home court advantage gods and be on my merry way.

Update: Fkme gently with a chainsaw. We really can’t win on the road anymore apparently. Just as disturbing is the fact that I’ve tried voodoo dolls and hypnotism and nothing slows Lebron James down. Nothing. Blah.

Dear my beloved Celtics,

• Please win tonight so people can shut up about you not winning road games.
• Please win so I can proudly sport my spiffy Boston Celtics adidas jacket around town tomorrow with pride.
• Please win so you can get some rest before you have to play the Deeetroit Pistons — they’re good in case you didn’t know.
• Please don’t turn the ball over like the Orlando Magic.
• Please don’t dribble the clock out and then chuck a jumper — I’m looking at you Sam.
• Please remember that Lebron’s mom is ready to fk you up. Stay alert.

Dear Cleveland Cavs,

• Delonte, please remember that not that long ago, you were wasting away in Seattle. You got to the playoffs as a starting point guard for a Lebron James team. That should be good enough for now. Don’t be greedy. ( I still love you though, *air kiss*)
• Lebron, don’t you have some commercials to shoot? A vacation to take? Stare into this spinning wheel… you are getting very very sleeeeepy.
• Wally, you really do look like a cross between Derek Zoolander and a member of the Backstreet Boys.
• Z and Andy, please trade hairstyles just for my amusement.
• Boobie, get well soon. Well, not too soon.

That’s all I got.

GO CELTICS!

Love,
me

The Ball Don’t Lie boys are Liveblogging the FkingSpurs/Hornets game. Those Liveblogs are always a party, so I’m sure I’ll make my usual cameo. Not sure if they’re serious or kidding, but they’ve advised that a “comment intern” will be perusing the inane crap people like me send their way. Hmmmm, so how does one become a “comment intern”? Are there classes in college that teach that because it sounds like a pretty slick job to me.

In other news, I love my mother. She left me a voicemail on my work phone instead of my cell, so I emailed her and reminded her that I prefer to receive my personal calls on my cell phone. She writes back, “I’m sorry I forgot to call the right number. You can just tell me to SIT MY ASS DOWN next time you see me. Love, Mother” Haha, is she perfect or what?

I haven’t forgotten the Red Sox but I probably won’t start blogging about them in earnest until the NBA playoffs are over. However, I have to say that I love LOVE love the fact that Manny stopped right in the middle of a play to high five a fan. Only at Fenway… That’s fking brilliant. BRILLIANT. Like Progressive, I say it louder.

Last night… Pistons v. Magic - The Pistons finished off the Magic just like I knew that they would. Frankly, I’m surprised it wasn’t a sweep. Being a J.J. Redick fan, I’ve suffered through 2 long years of craptastic Magic basketball and I’m not gonna lie, I’m pretty bitter about it. Not only is watching them constantly turn the ball over and miss free throws torture, but then they don’t even play J.J. so I don’t even have that as a consolation prize. If you say I should be happy watching Keith Bogans chuck up 3’s over J.J. I’m just going to punch you in the neck. Defense my ass, try shooting better than 1-8 and then talk to me. Anyway, good riddance. If the Celtics manage to survive Lebron, I would much rather take my chances playing a great team like the Pistons. There’s no shame in losing to the Pistons, but if we had made it to the finals against the Magic and lost… well there would be no getting over that. Ever.

Hornets v. Fking Spurs - Hell to the yeah Hornets. Keep it up.

Tonight… My beloved Celtics v. Lebron James - I have a bad feeling about this. The Celtics are playing like shit. I’m hoping they can do what the Red Sox did last season versus the Cleveland Indians. Think Josh Beckett can suit up for the C’s in time?

Oh and whoever stole my superior Celtics team and replaced it with this new inferior one, could you kindly return them to me? Danke shane. Those refunds for the ineffective Lebron James Voodoo Dolls are in the mail…

BDL posted the funniest and most creative mother’s day card ever…

The fking Spurs are still alive and well in the playoffs. They do this to torment me. *shaking fist at the sky*

My beloved Celtics are playing the Lebrons away again tonight. Unlike Jameer, I will not guarantee a victory for my team. Instead… I’m introducing a new product that I believe will be useful for years to come:

I hate to put the ole hex-a-rino on Lebron because I do like him, but a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do.

In other news, ESPN has been talking about Kim Kardashian’s my boyfriend all day because there’s another USC athletics scandal. That’s been fun. I understand why its a story and all, but raise your hand if you’re really shocked and awed by the idea that O.J. Mayo might’ve started accepting “cash and gifts” early… I’m not going to make excuses because quite honestly, I don’t really care. If someone backs a truck up to my house and offers me a flat screen and a suitcase of money, I’m not saying, “No thanks” but maybe that’s just me.

Crap! Just remembered the Celtics, Gossip Girl and The Hills are all on tonight. Why can’t I clone myself? Obviously the Celtics game 4 playoff game is the most important… but, its also extremely important to find out who Serena killed. *sigh* It’s like Sophie’s Choice!

Signs of the internet apocolypse - I get dick jokes from my grandfather’s brother (my grandfather died 20 years ago at a very young age, his brother is 10 years or so younger, but at this point should still be considered a very very old man…) Perhaps he doesn’t read his forwards first. Yeah, lets go with that.

They say all PR is good PR - Really? Is it really? Because sure, on the one hand, I’m now suddenly thinking about Papa Johns again for the first time in probably ten years or so… since their pizza tastes like fking cardboard. On the other hand, I’m thinking of them, but in the way that you think of that douchebag friend of your best friend’s brother. Not good. This story has already made it around the blogosphere* and back by now, so I don’t need to go into too much detail, but needless to say, Papa Johns owes Lebron & Cavs fans a giant mouth kiss of an apology. I don’t know if 23 cent cardboard pizzas are really good enough though. Might want to toss in some cardboard bread sticks or something.

*BDL: 10-man rotation, FanHouse: Papa John’s Fears Cleveland, slice: Papa John’s LeBron James ‘Crybaby’ Shirt Controversy Means Cheap Pizza for Clevelanders, SFP: Papa John’s owes Lebron apology, not just pizza

Playoffs tonight in a nutshell… (my useless predictions)

Pistons v. Magic - Unless Detroit gets bored and go on auto-pilot, they should win this game. They are better at almost every position and play with more experience and poise. Also, ps to whoever the commentators are tonight: You could do me a big favor please by getting all the obligatory superlatives about Dwight Howard out of the way right off the bat. For instance, we already know he’s “a manchild”, “a beast”, and “Superman”. There that’s done. No need to keeping repeating it. While you’re at it, when referring to the Pistons, please refrain from too much talk of them, “flipping the switch” or talking about “the switch” period. Danke shane.

Hornets v. Spurs - Toss up. Ps to commentators in regards to this game: Please don’t remind us for the millionth time that Manu won the 6th man award despite being starter-material. We know, we know. If possible, refrain from going on and on and on about how Chris Paul was deserving of the MVP award. That might be true, but the race is over and I’m sick of the subject. To the camera operators: Show the beautiful Mrs. Longoria Parker if you must, but please don’t linger. A two-second count is acceptable. More than that and you’re just annoying people who are actually more interested in, oh you know, the game perhaps.

Finally, I was talking to my mom (diehard Boston Red Sox fan with a B tattoo on her ankle to prove it) about how I like Lebron, but will have to start rooting against him now that the Cavs are playing my beloved Celtics. Her response: “Just remember, he’s a Yankee fan and that is reason enough to boo him.” Haha, when you’re right, you’re right. *wink*

Tonight, both the Cavs and the Celtics have a chance to finish off their opponents 4-2. I have my fingers and toes crossed that they both do that. I know its crazy to wish for Lebron James & Co. as your next opponents, but that is a testament to how much I despise the Wizards. The thought that I would have to suffer through more of DeShawn’s hand-over-face waggling crapola just makes me want to eat glass. Besides, I’m not afraid of any opponent for the Celtics. If they’re going to win the whole thing, they need to be able to beat anyone, so if Lebron is the “anyone” coming up, then so be it.

1. Update #1: The Cavs blew out the Wizards. YES YES YES! Hey DeShawn, buh-bye.
2. Update #2: Hawks 103, Celtics 100. SIGH. I knew this series would end up going the full seven. As I suspected, my trash talk jinxed the team! Does not bode well. Don’t worry about me though, I’m only halfway to the edge of this ledge.

So how ’bout that Roger Clemens scandal, eh? I love how it’s being reported that he had a “friendship” with Mindy McCready from the time she was fifteen, but didn’t start knocking boots with her until she turned eighteen. Mmmm yeah. Sounds plausible to me. I know pretty much every guy I know has “friendships” with girls and then wait for three years before trying anything with them. Yeah because you know, guys are usually that patient. Especially ridiculously rich, famous guys who are used to getting anything and everything they want.

The blogosphere was abuzz (haha, I love saying that) recently with the news that some crotchety lifetime journalist went off on Will Leitch about his trashy sports blog (Deadspin) on Bob Costas. I believe Braylon Edwards or some other athlete was there too, though he didn’t say much. Anyway, the best part of the whole entire thing was when Bissinger (the old dude) was reading from an apparent print-out of some Deadspin post and kept saying, “Big Daddy BALLS” (referring to the guest posts on Deadspin by KSK’s “Big Daddy Drew.”) Mmm yeah, maybe you had to be there. It was fking hysterical though, I swear. Watch this trainwreck if you dare…